Saturday, January 9, 2016

Things I don't understand:

-How do we have four? Yes, FOUR, different, opened, and partly consumed containers of BBQ sauce currently in our fridge.   Last time I checked, our back patio was not a Texas Smokehouse joint.

-The correct placement for punctuation when using emojis.

Is it:






Or:






Or:






And perhaps more importantly, why am I now using emojis?

-Why people take car selfies and why pseudo celebrities and pedestrians alike make car selfies their profile pictures on various social media platforms.

-Instagram husbands and why my husband is not one of them.  Doesn't he love me?

-Chard.  I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do with it?

-How millennials are everyone born from 1981-2000.  How can a child raised in the pre-internet dark ages, who learned things like the Dewy Decimal System and how to look things up in a library card catalog in school, be part of the same generation as someone who had a smart phone and was effectively cyberbullying with it before they could even qualify for a learner's permit?

-How is Otter an acceptable middle name for a non-puppet?  Or non-otters, for that matter.

-The appeal of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise.  Sorry ladies, I like my reality tv trashy, but not like this...

-Where the smell of rotting citrus in our kitchen is coming from.  Spoiler alert: it's probably from rotting citrus.

-I was talking to someone recently who had never even heard of Virginia Woolf and I tried to be gracious and explain but my brain was all like:


Does not compute.

-Award shows not hosted by Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.  Why even bother?

-Boston sports culture.  I've tried to fein interest but now I just pretend to go spontaneously deaf.  It's just my 19th century hysteria acting up.

-Muffins: they are just as many calories as cupcakes and not nearly as delicious.

-How everyone on the T has a bulging backpack that they refuse to take off only when it's crowded.

-How despite getting the jumbo size tubs of coffee from Trader Joe's, we are perpetually on the verge of running out.

-Why I keep eagerly buying books that I then don't read.

-Why people keep asking how many Polish people it takes to screw in a light bulb, when I'm just one and I seem to manage fine each time.  But I guess that's only anecdotal evidence.

-Why after so many colossal box office failures, Hollywood continues to green light movies made by M. Night Shyamalan.  How does that old adage on foolery go again?

-Why I don't own this mug. Or this one.

-Where all the girl scout cookies we bought 24 hours ago went.  Because we definitely didn't eat them all after skipping dinner, while we were drinking bourbon and playing the Sherlock Homles: Consulting Detective board game.  Who would even do that?

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