Saturday, January 2, 2016


Salutations!  I greet you a humble, mucousy, champs-filled, newly showered for the first time in a few days, but otherwise relatively un-disastrous 31-year-old. 

My objectives for this year are as followed (in no particular order):

-Build up repertoire (patience) for hair doing, in order to successfully disguise cowlick and inconsistent natural wave. 

Sub-objective: convince everyone your hair styling is as effortless as the likes of Emma Stone, Emma Roberts, or any other well-coiffed Emma, despite the fact that you find yourself waking up early to ever so slightly curl your hair.

-Drink champs sparingly as it causes, by far, the worst hangovers of all time.  (Case is point: 12 hours from now.)  Drink bourbon and/or scotch as much as possible as that usually causes you to get sleepy and go to bed, and going to bed is always a great idea.

-Embrace the bitch.  Because it’s not really bitchiness, it’s having ideas and voicing opinions, both of which are almost always well reasoned and impactful and therefore important to share.  Spoiler alert: this may cause you to encounter a fair amount of jelly, in which case, just slather it on your morning English muffin.  Cause jelly is delicious.

-Wash your face every night because you’re starting to look like a handbag and it’s not cute.

-Come up with less superficial objectives.  Starting now.

-Continue your search for the perfect eyeliner.  It probably doesn’t exist…but it just might, so just keep trying.

-But more significant objectives, for reals this time…

-Keep a journal and just write whatever and whenever you feel like.  Try not to think about Joan Didion’s “On Keeping a Notebook” when you’re keeping your notebook because the genius of that essay will probably paralyze you.

-Pick the self-editing padlock of your creativity shed and let all that dead thought foliage come cascading out of it, untempered.  Sure, it'll mostly be unusable crap, but you might just find those nice gardening gloves that you lost a while back.

-Write more in yardwork metaphors.  They’re pretty solid.

-Don’t feel bad about still feeling sad from time to time, even though it’s been over a year and most people seem to think you should be over it by now.

-In fact, stop feeling guilty all together.  About everything.  You should be saving that up so that you can effectively channel it once you start producing humans.

-Don’t stress about producing humans.  You’ll get to that eventually.

-Consider joining a club to make new friends.

-Nope.  That sounds awful.  Don’t do that.  Just embrace friendlessness.

-Maybe read a book other than Harry Potter this year.

-Dust a little bit more because your lack of dusting is a little ridiculous, just ask the fluffle of dust bunnies in the right corner of your living room.

-Consolidate your objectives: cook delicious food, drink delicious drinks, read good books, write things that are and aren’t terrible, exercise enough to feel good and keep your stomach sort of flat-ish, shop only when you need something (which, duh, is all the time), spend time with the people you love, spend energy on the people you love (and not the people you don’t), and be merry.  

As much a possible.

Yes.  That is what I’ll do.

Happy 2016!

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