Friday, June 14, 2013

Arrested Development

No.  This is not a critique of the new episodes.  I am sure you can fill up on that hatred elsewhere.  That is all that I will say on this matter.  Good day, sir.

I had a student email me recently who kept calling me sir, even after like a five email exchange (where my signature was clearly displayed for all to read). Sir, can you help me?  Thank you, sir.  How are you, sir?  You seem like a nice man, sir.

I've always fancied myself as a Peppermint Patty, so it seemed appropriate.
My hair cut sucks!

Speaking of hatred, I saw this shirt in the store the other day and was thisss close to buying it



 ...until I turned it over and saw the front.



Thanks but I'd rather die.

This morning, I was running about twenty minutes late to work, which I thought I would celebrate by stopping to buy an unbudgeted for americano.  I know, get your Wendy Gone Wild cameras ready but whatever, it's a Friday and I thought I would live a little.  Judge away.

One of my good friends from high school once said that if the world were ending, I would calmly pause and say "just give me five minutes" and I would head to the nearest coffee shop.  Yes, that is me.  I accept monuments in Bronze and Marble.

Also, I think my outfit today is borderline Brat Dollzish.  I don't know how that happened (maybe the hoop earrings?) and I regretted my outfit choice the second I stepped out of my apartment but I was already 20 minutes late and I didn't feel like tacking on another three hours to my etd for a wardrobe change. Do people still use the term hoochie?  I didn't think so...

Enough of the randomness, now onto the goods.  Things are happening.  Not to me.  At all, really.  (So clearly, I should blog about it...)  But man, if they aren't happening to other people.  I guess I've just gotten to that age where significant things are perpetually happening to everyone in my peer group.  And I do mean e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.  My facebook news feed has become an unceasing cascade of wedding pictures and baby pictures and graduation pictures and new house pictures, punctuated by photos from a few former students who remind me that watching Game of Thrones with a glass of red wine and a microwaved s'more does not, in fact, constitute a rockin' Friday evening.  I still beg to differ but I have the social aspirations of a senior citizen apparently so...whatever.

Anyways, these weddings and babies and houses are all very nice and I am genuinely happy for everyone involved.  I know that that sounds super sarcastic but I swear it's not.

It's just that, I somehow seem to have landed in the "slow" life development group, which for a chronic overachiever like myself is sort of bonkers.  In a way, its not totally surprising; I am not exactly what you would classify as conventional.  But to be fair, I don't think that anybody likes to think of themselves as conventional or maybe they do and the fact that I think that they don't is just more of a testament to how unconventional I am.  But don't worry, my parents DO understand me, so you can put away that Dashboard Confessionals CD.  Because Dashboard Confessionals is totally still a relevant band and everyone definitely still owns CDs or else what would you play in your disc man?


Oh.

That's right...

Jokes about rapidly advancing technology aside, what I mean to say is that my life trajectory has never really matched those around me.  Not that I am special or anything--it just hasn't.  I took a year off from college. I chose a ridiculously antiquated major that I loved but that had no clear career path. I worked late nights waitressing while my friends went to frat parties. I fell in love with a buddy from high school and we moved across country together.  I went to graduate school but am now working in a moderately unrelated field.  My goals have wavered and shifted and transformed so much that I feel like I don't have any--or at least, not any left that are particularly attainable. (Who doesn't have big dreams of coming into a surprise inheritance?)  It doesn't make me sad exactly, it just makes me feel stagnant and slightly awkward.  But then of course, everything does.  (Including that statement).

But just you wait.  I will get pregnant, publish a book, buy a house, graduate with a Ph to the D, and get married all in the same year and then everyone will have to fuss over ME.  Just as God and nature intended.

Oh you know, just channeling my best Verruca Salt here on this fine Friday evening.

Incidentally, when I was younger, I used to go into my brother Scott's room, wearing my red party dress, and reenact the Verruca Salt musical number from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  I'm not sure why I did this or why it had to be in Scott's room but I am sure I had a very well thought out and logical reason.

And by "when I was younger," I mean three days ago.

Peace out.

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