Friday, August 31, 2012

Acridity (with a pinch of sugar)

Well, readers, summer is officially over, so naturally I've begun tallying my grievances--as one inevitably does at the end of anything.  Or as one inevitably does when one is perpetually irritable and/or of an unnaturally bad disposition.  Which I am.  I'm sorry, maybe I should start over.  Hi, my name is Wendy, have we met?  Well you're reading this blog, so probably.

Anyways, after much consideration, I have deemed that my grumblings are noteworthy enough to itemize here because you clearly haven't read enough lists on my blog.  Or suffered through enough complaining.  You are wholeheartedly welcome.

List of current gripes:

#1: Summer is donso. (I thought I would jazz up this tragedy with a little outdated lingo.) 

Do you know how I know that summer is over?  No, it's not because of any shift in the weather.  It's still 80 degrees too hot to wear my fall fashion (this gripe to be continued...)  It's because all of those glorious hours of nail painting and Bravo t.v. watching have been replaced with ambivalently staring at my computer screen, typing out handouts and lesson plans and trying my absolute gosh-darn hardest to stave off the indecisiveness that plagues my very being.

So far, the results have been mixed.  Bottom line is: I am happy to be teaching again but deeply mourning the loss of all my free time.  I know, I know, my martyr badge is showing.  Did you see its new coat of polish?

#2: Jillian Michaels is a bitch.

It's okay.  She said in week three of her Ripped in 30 DVDs that we could call her that.  And I have. Many times. What can I say?  Exercise gives me tourrettes.  It also apparently gives me back problems.  Maybe I am just getting old because of all the injuries I have sustained over the years as a soccer player, lacrosse player, dancer, and gymnast, positively NONE of them have been back related.  And now I have to lather on the icy-hot and travel to and fro with an orthopedic pillow.  Like the old men puttering around the first aid section of Walgreens.

#3: Icy hot is disgusting.

That is all.

#4: Bad Money Management + New School Clothes - Money = Poverty

Remember those times when summer was the season in which you made the most money?  Neither do I because for the past several years, the summer months have been my least lucrative.  Mostly because I'm not teaching.  That usually also means that August is the diciest month because by then, I've used up what little savings I started out the summer with.  But this doesn't stop me from going back to school shopping, every day, during the first week of classes.  It's really a Kozak tradition--one that I alone uphold.  And on some version of steroids (I'm pretty sure that I was allowed one pair of new shoes, not four.) Unfortunately, what this means is that I am a horrible, irresponsible, materialist mess of a lass.  Go ahead and get your torches and pitchforks ready, because I'm pretty sure that in normal-being-a-good-person terms, that qualifies as a monster.

#5: My DSW coupon has expired

Yes.  The one I have been saving all summer to buy running shoes when I "had money again."  Note that this problem of not having money did not stop me from making my 45 other purchases.  The discount Gods are clearly punishing me for my hypocrisy.

#6: People keep feeding my cake

I don't know when it happened, but sometime over the past few months I totally ceased craving junk food.  Now I eat greek yogurt for dessert which is UNHEARD of in the food diaries of Wendy Kozak.  Alas, this past week, we have been brought cake in our office at work on several separate occasions and I feel obligated to partake in a celebratory slice.  It's like a toast, right?  You have to take a sip or else you're just being rude.  But for once in my life I don't particularly want that piece of cake and I almost always feel gross after I consume it.  What's a homie to do?

You know what?  Don't answer that.

#7: No labor day weekend jet setting for Wendy

Moses and I were planning on camping in the grand canyon.  Those plans fell through.  Moses and I were planning on a weekend getaway to San Clemente.  Those plans through.  The most I can hope for at this point is a stay-cation.  Although that word makes me want to smash things.


On the brighter side of things:

Relax, no one has hijacked my blog.  This is just a healthy dose of honey to my vinegar.  Or however that saying goes...

#1: This summer was pretty good

Traveling, wine drinking, horseback riding, ocean kayaking, death defying (I rode some rides at a county fair where they didn't check your safety harness before they shot you upside, through the air...not like those pansies at Disney)

#2: I have a tan! 

For the first time in my life as an Irish/Pole/Albino, I do not resemble some creature bred in cave-like darkness.  I have color!  The undertone of my skin is no longer blue but a soft caramel.  It is wondrous!  In the course of my twenty-seven years of existence, I have never been able to sustain a long term tan.  My fair skin crisps in the sun to a hideous shade of lobster, turns brownish for one glorious hour and then quickly fades back into near transparency.

I think I have my perpetual summer sunburn to thank for my goddess-like bronzing. Sure I will probably look like a leather bag or a dehydrated peach by the season's end.  Might even have a few precancerous freckles to commemorate this momentous event.  But it's totally worth it.  Gloaty gloat gloat gloat.

#3: Survivor Man

It's been long enough now that I can enjoy this show again.  It even makes me feel slightly nostalgic for Moses' attic room at KDR, where we used to watch hours upon hours of this show before bed.  Netflix has all three seasons.  What bliss!

#4: Speaking of Moses...

I still like him even though it took him three weeks to read my blog about him.

#5: Teaching is pretty awesome

During a class discussion on thursday, one of my students said something so thoughtful that it made my grinchy teacher heart grow three sizes.  They are vaguely likable, aren't they!

#6: My fall outfits are fabulous

Even if my hair has been weird recently.

#7: And finally three words: three. day. weekend.

But, I will probably spend a good chunk of it lesson planning.

Let's face it, folks, it can't be all honey.  Look who you are talking to.

There she is.


  1. I realize that we are all prone to hyperbole, but I still find most of this believable. Junk food aversions: fine. Excessive shopping: duh. Except never for a second will I believe you were actually reading that book, poser.

    1. Kate, I love that book. It's comedic gold.